Review: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

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They will keep making these until someone makes them stop! Come on along and listen to the lullaby of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

There are a few spoilers in here but, frankly, if you’re watching Sharknado movies for suspense, you may be sharking up the wrong tree. I avoided spoilering any of the best WTF moments.

There really is no cheese like made-for-Syfy cheese. Mmmm… tangy! In the wake of the disappointing Sharknado 2, the third installment is a delightful return to form. The second one was just a little too in love with its celebrity cameos. As the Rifftrax crew pointed out when they riffed on that movie, a cameo is not, by itself, a joke. Yes, Judd Hirsh as a cabbie and Robert Hayes flying a stricken airliner were inspired but most of the others just felt like dead air. They fixed this problem in the third one. There are still plenty of cameos but most of them are either actual characters who serve some sort of narrative purpose or blink and you miss it gags. Only the return of the insufferable Today Show gang mars the proceedings and they are finally, mercifully put to rest.

Now, the science of this movie is, of course, ludicrous but there are a nice variety of sharks in the mix. I believe I saw seven gills, makos, hammerheads and tigers along with the inevitable Great Whites. Just remember, folks, in real life, you’re much more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark.

Our hero, Fin, aka Ian Ziering, is back again and continues to evolve into a full blown superhero. He has somehow acquired a shark sense that lets him know when it’s about to start raining sharks. You’d think they’d show up on radar but, apparently radar just doesn’t work that well in this universe. At least it doesn’t work terribly well. Fin’s running gag through the movie is having access to a huge variety of chainsaws in all shapes and sizes from a tiny trophy chainsaw that actually works to a lightsaber chainsaw. Ian is firmly establishing himself as the heir apparent to the might chainsaw of Bruce Campbell.

At his side is April, played by Tara Reid. This time she’s pregnant! Bo Derek is along as her mom which is, frankly, an inspired choice, but Bo went to the Jonathan Kent school of parenting and actually prevents April from using her badass buzz saw hand (acquired in the last movie) to rescue someone. Just once, I want to see Tara cut loose with that thing.

Remember, never help anyone!
No! Never help anyone!

Back for this movie after missing the second one is Nova, played by Cassie Scerbo. Now, I’d thought that Cassie had gone off with Fin and April’s son after the first movie to live happily ever after but that apparently is not the case. Instead she went to an alternate post-sharkpocalyptic future where she lives as a road warrior, driving around in her armored Sharkebago War Wagon with Malcolm in the Mako star, Frankie Muniz. Fin accidentally enters her dimension by driving through a thick foggocuda and the three of them return together. Well, two of them return. Frankie does a delightful Black Knight routine.

It's just a flesh wound.
Frankie says relax, it’s just a flesh wound.

Nova has regressed since her previous appearance and is once again all hung up on Fin which, frankly, is kind of sad for such a badass warrior woman. In any event, Nova has learned much about sharknados during her years in the other world. See, sharks aren’t just being randomly sucked into the clouds anymore. They’re living up there and just waiting for tornadoes to form like Bifrost to allow them to descend down to feed. Of course, they still don’t have any way of getting back up again and die more or less immediately upon hitting the ground but no one said that flying sky sharks were very good planners.

Rounding out our returning cast is Fin and April’s daughter Claudia. I’m not gonna lie, Claudia is one stone cold individual. There is a whole teen love subplot with a certain number of hormonenados and, without giving too much away, Claudia is the lone survivor of her subplot and doesn’t seem bothered by it in the least. Pretty sure she deliberately kills off her purported love interest after it was revealed that he had no concept of what a gun is and what one is supposed to do with it.

New to the proceedings is Fin’s dad, Gil. The Sheppards may be related to Kip Addotta.

Gil is none other than David Hasselhoff. Now, something you may notice about the Hoff’s performance is that a lot of it seems to have been dubbed in after the fact. He rarely appears in shots with other actors while speaking, and a fair number of his lines are delivered while he’s not on the screen. That might be because he’s hard of herring. He does get in some good moments, but it’s kind of weird. Somehow he ends up standing on the moon, dancing to “Stayin’ Alive” with Vector. Or I may have blacked out and dreamed that.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Irony. Irony.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Irony. Irony.

This time it is a full blown Sharkicane raging all up and down the east coast from Washington DC where President Mark Cuban and Vice President Ann Coulter defend the shattered ruins of the White House against the very rare and deadly hoversharks which can manuever easily inside hallways, down to fabulous Universal Studios in Orlando which I suspect paid a lot of money to have most of this movie take place there. The sharks demonstrate many of the rides and attractions at Universal Studios and urge you to visit!

Not to get too spoilery but eventually we end up with SHARKS. IN. SPAAAAAAAAAACE. This is where the chainsaw lightsaber makes its appearance. They don’t even bother trying to hand wave a reason that the sharks are somehow able to reach escape sharkocity and by this point, do we really care? No, of course not, we just want sharks in space.

Probably after the pigs.
Probably after the pigs.

Now, you have probably heard by now that there will be a Sharknado 4 and it’s up to you, the public, to determine whether Tara Reid will be back. I am firmly on team #Aprillives because Tara Reid is just delightful in these movies. Also, if she’s not around that will mean that Fin will end up with Nova, which would be kind of gross, honestly. In real life Tara is 10 years younger than Ian (I checked) but she’s a bit, ah, weathered so she looks about the same age whereas Nova looks barely older than Fin’s daughter. So, go here and vote to save April!

The other thing I really want to see for Sharknado 4 is for it to be revealed that there is a supervillain behind all of this. Ideally, that supervillain should be this man.

Sharknado 4: Frickin' Lasers
Sharknado 4: Frickin’ Lasers

Someone out there really needs to make this happen.